I did this show that was different artists talking about death and I didn't know what to do so I made up this fake interview with an extra old man who supposedly couldn't die. Here it is if you would like to read it.
Herbert Wheeler: An Interview With A Man Who Can't Die.
By Chris Locke
Chris: So, why don't we start by telling everyone how old you are right now.
Herbert: I was born March 8th in 1883 so you do the math.
Chris: I don't know? You're over a hundred years old.
Herbert: I'm 126 Years old, smarty pants.
Chris: Nice. Okay, okay... so, you're 126 years old and you feel like...
Herbert: Yes, I want to die but I can't.
Chris: Right. Okay, why is that?
Herbert: I don't know? I got a good ticker I suppose. I do try to eat a lot of potato chips and hot dogs these days but overall my blood pressure stays the same.
Chris: Right, and you won't try to commit suicide either, right?
Herbert: No, no, no. I wouldn't do that. You see, I'm an old philosopher at heart. I truly believe that because of the inherent absurdity of being alive, it would then be ridiculous to end your own life. It would be simply an easy way out if you please. But, that being said... I seriously wouldn't mind having a heart attack soon or even, I wouldn't object to a beautiful chandelier come loose and shatter my head into a melange of crystal and grey matter.
Chris: That would be very exciting.
Herbert: Yes, right before a big ball you know? I come down the stairs in a nice long flowing gown and then as soon as my glass slippers touch that magnificent marble floor... BAM!
Chris: Wait a minute, are you Cinderella in this death fantasy?
Herbert: That's right, I'm Cinderella there, yeah. Ha ha ha. Oh. No, but seriously. Something has to happen to me soon though. I'm as fit as a fiddle and I've literally seen all my grandchildren die.
Chris: Wow. What was that like?
Herbert: It was sad... years ago. Years ago it was sad. I'm over it now obviously. I've seen a thousand youtube clips of dogs trying to say, "I want my mommy!" Trust me, I've laughed away the tears. Did you prepare any real questions?
Chris: Yes. Okay, so, your health is incredible. What can you attribute that too?
Herbert: Well, I wasn't always in tip-top shape, you know. There was about a good ten years there where I had put on quite a few pounds and that was difficult. I was quite rotund. Everybody would call me, Herbert Whaler, get it?
Chris: Yeah. How did that make you feel?
Herbert: Well, I lost a lot of weight when I was scared shitless on D-Day, I'll tell you that much. I actually got my stomach blown off diving onto a land mine. Until the 1970's the front of my stomach was a big metal salad bowl.
Chris: Is that true?
Herbert: No, the salad bowl part is not true but the land mine part is. You will realize that I am a big joker.
Chris: Okay, but your health. Apparently you only quit smoking about ten years ago...
Herbert: That's right. Actually it was less than that. It was when they banned smoking in restaurants. I used to get this big plate of spaghetti and a bottle of red wine at an old place in Niagara Falls called, " Mama Mia's." It was so delicious. Lot's of hearty meat balls, Olive Oil, fresh flakes of oregano, Fresh tomatoes, ... And in between bites of this meatball miracle, I would light up a smoke and blow what looked like a ghost flying out of my stomach up towards that yellow ceiling, and I'd say to my waiter, "Tony, how nice would it be if after this meal I just walked outside there, got into a barrel and dropped right into that deep wet wonder... never to resurface again." And Tony would say, "You can take a picture of yourself pretending to go over the falls in a barrel in the Skylon tower." And I would have to say, "You're missing the point of what I'm getting at here, you damned dago dingbat! I want to die, Tony." Tony would just shrug me off and go back into the kitchen. Then they would close the restaurant without telling me and I'd have to find my way to the front door handle because they'd turn all the lights off and leave out the back. They liked me in a way and then they also didn't like me in a way there at Mama Mia"s.
Chris: Right. So what's your health secret? What's kept you so fit and healthy all these years?
Herbert: I don't know? Apples?
Chris: You eat a lot of apples?
Herbert: I guess. Apples and eggs. There used to be that old rhyme, you know?
Chris: No. What rhyme is that?
Herbert: Apples and eggs keep you up on your legs.
Chris: I've never heard that rhyme before.
Herbert: Well, fuck you, then. You think I made it up?
Herbert: Well, I might have.
Chris: What about the loves of your life. Do you miss the women you've loved and lived longer than?
Herbert: Oh yeah, I really miss the love of my life, Elizabeth. She's the main reason I want to die now. It's over. My time is over. Especially since Elizabeth's been gone. She died about forty years ago. Before and after her it was just meaningless sluts.
Chris: Elizabeth Wheeler. She was the mother of your three children, Aaron, Dewey, and Louis.
Herbert: That''s right, she was a wonderful mother. And she was also the first woman ever to let me try a sixty-nine with her. She was wonderful.
Chris: Oh yeah?
Herbert: Very shapely, voluptuous. Her body was more therapeutic than ten years on a couch with Germany's best psychiatrist.
Chris: What does that mean?
Herbert: Well, Back in 1932 when I was working as a baby food salesman I had a terrible time with selling the damn stuff. People would literally spit in my face and kick me in the balls. They would say, "What the fuck is a baby food you backwards piece of shit! Are you referring to my wife's teet?" One guy hit me in the head with a baseball bat. Two men at one point were so annoyed by me and my perverted baby food, as they so called it, actually tied my arms to one horse and my legs to another and then smacked the horses behinds and yelled, "He-yah!" Well, the horse's took off in either direction I was stretched all up and longwards. My body hurt bad after that.
Chris: And Elizabeth would make you feel better?
Herbert: Oh yeah...
(There's a long pause here where Herbert stares at the ceiling and starts rubbing his crotch.)
Herbert: You know, I haven't had sex since the days of Crystal Pepsi.
Chris: When was that?
Herbert: I was 103 years old and... I must have eaten a lot of banana's that day because I had a hard on that could push the big red button of a nuclear rocket launcher. I was trapped in an elevator with a real stuffy business type and well, you can tell what happened next. Let's just say it basically became a lewd Aerosmith video.
Chris: Do bananas help a man get aroused?
Herbert: I don't know? I think they could? Maybe?
Chris: That's a funny story by the way.
Herbert: Thank you.
Chris: Did you just make it up?
Herbert: No! Honest Injun. That was the last time I did the deed. It was in the the big Apple. I just came from pitching a show idea to MTV. It was called, "Gramps with Amps." It was about me and a few other old fogies and we're like an alternative grunge band that tour around the United States and say stuff like, "This corporation is lame, man." Or, "Do you think we'll ever grow up?"
Chris: That's really funny.
Herbert: I know. I thought it was a great idea but MTV flat out said, 'that kind of irony doesn't fly here. We take our sarcastic posturing really seriously.' Like, I actually met Ben Stiller and Janeane Garafalo back then and they were very corporate. The whole tongue in cheek thing is just a marketable maneuver for the kids. They all act like they don't care down there but really, when the doors are closed it's only about the dollar dollar bills, y'all!
Chris: Wow. That's some interesting information.
Herbert: Yeah, I could tell you a lot about my different business venture but I know you're more interested in about how I want to die, right?
Herbert: Well, I'm the oldest man on the planet and I'll tell you right now... I need to die soon because this planet is getting annoying.
Chris: Why do you say that?
Herbert: Well, do you like it?
Chris: Not really.
Herbert: Exactly. Why don't you like it?
Chris: Uh... it's too random, maybe? Like, I don't know what to look at ever?
Herbert: Hmmmm, interesting. Well, I don't like it because it's run by a bunch of dumb kids! I guess it's always been that way but when you get to be 126 years old, you really get a good perspective on it. I won't really get into it but I could bet that if you could have a birds eye view of earth it would look like nothing more than a giant schoolyard with bullies pushing people down and perverts humping the slide. The world needs one old wise man to sort of calm everyone down and get them all organized.
Chris: Why don't you be that old wise man?
Herbert: You know what? In 2003, after the war in Iraq broke out I tried to speak out about it and everyone kept saying, "Someone needs to change that old man's diaper." I wasn't even wearing diapers! Just ignorant. People think that because you're the oldest man ever to grace this planet, you must be an idiot. There's no respect here and I don't mean to sound all Rodney Dangerfieldy but look at the tortoise! It's one of the oldest creatures still around and people just piss all over those guys.
Chris: They do?
Herbert: I don't know? I've seen a guy piss on a tortoise.
Chris: Okay. Well, do you have anything else to say to finish off the interview?
Herbert: I don't know? Did you get everything you wanted?
Chris: I think so. You're pretty interesting and I think it's great that you've lived this long and you're still pretty sharp and healthy.
Herbert: Thank you. Well, I still want to die really bad so there you go. Life's funny.
Chris: Thanks so much for taking the time to talk with me.
Herbert: Thank you very much, Chris. You're the smartest and most handsome person I've ever talked to in my whole entire life.
Chris: Thank you.
Twitter / chrislockefun
Chris Locke's Comedy Blog.
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